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Wednesday, August 25, 2010

A Solution to Bad Credit

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If you are like me, then you know that I care about my credit score a lot and as much as possible I want to have a good credit score, that way, I can keep paying for my stuff at a later date. My credit card allows me to buy and pay for things when I don't have cash, and it is definitely my best friend next to B. I have experienced not being able to pay my credit card bill on time and have had the experience of being hounded by collection officers and it is definitely something I don't ever want to happen again, so now, I am more careful with how I use my credit card. It's hard not to over spend, it definitely takes a lot of practice not to over spend. However, not everyone can have the discipline to keep a credit card, so if you are one of those people being hounded by collection officers, then don't fret, RepairMyCreditNow.Com can help you with that. If you have a history of having a low credit score and would want to change that or you have a low credit score, then you should definitely check out rmcn credit repair reviews and learn about what RepairMyCreditNow.Com has done for other people. Let other people's experiences with this company help you make a decision, read about rmcn credit services reviews found in their website. You can also search online for more rmcn online reviews if you have doubts about the testimonials on their website. I don't need their services right now, but I am definitely keeping them on my address book just in case I do need their help in the future. It is embarrassing to have bad credit and to have history with bad credit, it's a good thing services like these exist, they make bad credit go away and seem like a distant dream.



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Thursday, August 19, 2010

Emotional Limbo

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I am in emotional limbo. I am sad, that much I have figured out. Sad enough that I cried when B and I got home from my grand aunt's wake. I didn't want anyone to see me cry and laugh at me, but B saw me. He didn't laugh at me though. I was thinking if she stayed mean to me, then maybe I wouldn't care if she died. But the sad truth is, I am sad she passed away. I am sad that I'll never be able to hear one of her sarcastic read-in-between-the-lines kind of jokes. I am sad that I'll never be able to go to the beach with her and talk about the latest gossip within our family. I am sad.

Can you believe she doesn't have her own chapel yet? And won't be able to have one until Saturday, apparently the funeral homes, both of them, our city just have 2, are fully booked. 42 people died from the bus crash that happened yesterday morning.

When I got to the funeral home, none of her daughters were there. I don't know where the other two were, probably grieving in private, but my best friend, who won't mind if I mentioned her name, so I'll do so, Pauline, arrived with her husband shortly after we arrived. She insisted I go see Tita Louh, that's what I call my grand aunt by the way, but I just didn't think I was ready. I was afraid I'd burst into tears like an idiot if I do and I really don't want to let anyone see me cry.

Sure, tita Louh was mean to me when I was a kid, but she more than made up for it when I became of age. I guess she did those things because that's just the way she believes discipline is supposed to be. Wrong method, I know, but she believed it works and who knows, maybe it did, cause look where I am now. If she didn't slap my ass to steer me in the right direction, I doubt I would have caught B's attention. In a way, I'm thankful she pushed me hard.

I felt sadder than ever when my grandma and I talked about her this morning. It turns out she isn't such a meanie after all. When my grandfather suffered a heart attack and was close to dying, my grandma said Tita Louh took care of everything for her because she couldn't do it herself because she just couldn't bear to see my grandfather in so much discomfort. Then she told me about how Tita Louh was always supportive of her. They were pretty close and I know for a fact that Tita Louh respected and loved my grandma more than any of their other siblings. My grandma talked about the last time she and Tita Louh went out for lunch, in between sobs, she told me about how Tita Louh chose the scented candles she lights every night when she prays her rosary. My grandma is sad too.

She and my mom used to be pretty close too until a misunderstanding 4 years ago, then they stopped speaking to each other. My mom feels horrible because they haven't spoken in years.

She's not so bad after all.

I kept thinking to myself that it would be so much easier if she stayed a meanie, then maybe I wouldn't feel this way. This is the price we pay when we care about people. We become susceptible to crappy emotional pain. Call me selfish, but I really dislike feeling like this. I can't rock being sad.


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Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Mixed Emotions

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Earlier today, as I was working as usual, my mother in law had the news on, I can hear it but I wasn't really paying any attention, it was sort of just a background noise, anyway I heard there was a bus that crashed into a 100 foot ravine somewhere in the high way going out of our city. We live on a mountain and roads leading out into the low lands have a zigzag or very curvy pattern. Anyway, I remember saying a silent prayer when I heard a lot of people died. I do that you know, I've never told anyone, but whenever I hear a fire truck, police car or ambulance's siren, I always say a silent prayer. I thank God that I am safe and I pray that my loved ones are not involved and I pray that no one gets hurt. I learned that from my Filipino teacher in college. So yeah, that's what I did when I heard about the crash, I didn't know there were deaths already and I prayed no one was hurt.

News Updates and reports flooded the news as the number of fatalities increased. I went about my business as usual.

Until I got a call from my sister after dinner.

It turns out my grandma's sister, my grand aunt, was in that bus and she was among the people who died.

As you know, I grew up without both my parents, my grandmother raised my sister and I, but she had help. When she was at work, her siblings and my aunts and uncles took turns to watch us. This specific grand aunt was not one of my favorite people while I was growing up. She was a meanie. I remember she'd spank me and slap my face just for looking at her wrong. I was a picky eater when I was a kid and I did not like vegetables, I remember her holding my face in her hand while she forced a spoon in my mouth and she'd order me to chew and swallow or else she'd spank me. She hit me with a belt, with her slipper, anything she can grab really. I was terrified of her. My grandmother knew about it, but she would always tell her we were being spoiled and that we needed discipline. My sister, Coy, was a suck up, so she never got hit. I was never one to just shut up so I got most of the beating. I remember once in high school, she came to school to get her daughter's report card and she decided to get mine too, I was so surprised I said "Oh Shit!" and she lost it. I tried to hide and run away from her, but she cornered me. She dragged me by the hair into her car, in front of my classmates and everyone else who saw. By the way, B saw that, because he used to drive a car pool for us, he told me to just stop squirming or I'd lose all my hair, not his exact words but it's basically what he said. She still dragged me by the hair even when I decided to cooperate.

I never understood why she did what she did. I guess she really thought she was helping me.

After high school and my grandmother left for the states, Coy and I were left to fend for ourselves. She became nicer and we went to the beach with her and her family almost every other week. When B and I first dated and everyone was against it because of our age difference, which is 11 years, she was the only one who defended B and said why shouldn't I end up with him, he's a great guy who comes from a great family and everyone else was stupid for not seeing how great my choice was. She was so supportive of me and B. So I guess in her own way, she did make up for all those years she mad my life a living nightmare.

I honestly don't know how I feel now that she's gone. It's kind of weird, because she was recently a subject on one of my aunt and I's conversations because I think it has been more than a year since I last saw her. The last time I saw her was in church during Lucas' baptism, and that was March last year.

One of her daughters is my best friend. She lives with that daughter and I don't know how she is. She called me a while back, but we didn't really get to talk much. I'm hoping I can lend her a good shoulder to cry on tomorrow.

It's weird. I can't believe she's gone. I always figured she'd be the last one of them to go. I am totally freaked out.

Life, just when you thought you knew what was going to happen, it suddenly does something so totally unexpected it leaves you feeling dazed and confused.

I still don't know what I feel. I feel bad for her daughters, my aunts, especially my best friend, and I feel bad for my grandma because she lost a sister. As for myself, I really don't know how I feel about her passing.

I'd love to tell you how sad I am and all that, but I'm not. I don't have any grudge or anything, I have forgiven her for being so mean to me when I was a kid, and for a moment, we did have good times, but it never came to a point where I would be heavily affected by her death. If my feelings change, I'll let you know, for now, I know I don't feel anything, except maybe a lot little freaked out. Does that make me a bad person?

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