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Earlier today, as I was working as usual, my mother in law had the news on, I can hear it but I wasn't really paying any attention, it was sort of just a background noise, anyway I heard there was a bus that crashed into a 100 foot ravine somewhere in the high way going out of our city. We live on a mountain and roads leading out into the low lands have a zigzag or very curvy pattern. Anyway, I remember saying a silent prayer when I heard a lot of people died. I do that you know, I've never told anyone, but whenever I hear a fire truck, police car or ambulance's siren, I always say a silent prayer. I thank God that I am safe and I pray that my loved ones are not involved and I pray that no one gets hurt. I learned that from my Filipino teacher in college. So yeah, that's what I did when I heard about the crash, I didn't know there were deaths already and I prayed no one was hurt.
News Updates and reports flooded the news as the number of fatalities increased. I went about my business as usual.
Until I got a call from my sister after dinner.
It turns out my grandma's sister, my grand aunt, was in that bus and she was among the people who died.
As you know, I grew up without both my parents, my grandmother raised my sister and I, but she had help. When she was at work, her siblings and my aunts and uncles took turns to watch us. This specific grand aunt was not one of my favorite people while I was growing up. She was a meanie. I remember she'd spank me and slap my face just for looking at her wrong. I was a picky eater when I was a kid and I did not like vegetables, I remember her holding my face in her hand while she forced a spoon in my mouth and she'd order me to chew and swallow or else she'd spank me. She hit me with a belt, with her slipper, anything she can grab really. I was terrified of her. My grandmother knew about it, but she would always tell her we were being spoiled and that we needed discipline. My sister, Coy, was a suck up, so she never got hit. I was never one to just shut up so I got most of the beating. I remember once in high school, she came to school to get her daughter's report card and she decided to get mine too, I was so surprised I said "Oh Shit!" and she lost it. I tried to hide and run away from her, but she cornered me. She dragged me by the hair into her car, in front of my classmates and everyone else who saw. By the way, B saw that, because he used to drive a car pool for us, he told me to just stop squirming or I'd lose all my hair, not his exact words but it's basically what he said. She still dragged me by the hair even when I decided to cooperate.
I never understood why she did what she did. I guess she really thought she was helping me.
After high school and my grandmother left for the states, Coy and I were left to fend for ourselves. She became nicer and we went to the beach with her and her family almost every other week. When B and I first dated and everyone was against it because of our age difference, which is 11 years, she was the only one who defended B and said why shouldn't I end up with him, he's a great guy who comes from a great family and everyone else was stupid for not seeing how great my choice was. She was so supportive of me and B. So I guess in her own way, she did make up for all those years she mad my life a living nightmare.
I honestly don't know how I feel now that she's gone. It's kind of weird, because she was recently a subject on one of my aunt and I's conversations because I think it has been more than a year since I last saw her. The last time I saw her was in church during Lucas' baptism, and that was March last year.
One of her daughters is my best friend. She lives with that daughter and I don't know how she is. She called me a while back, but we didn't really get to talk much. I'm hoping I can lend her a good shoulder to cry on tomorrow.
It's weird. I can't believe she's gone. I always figured she'd be the last one of them to go. I am totally freaked out.
Life, just when you thought you knew what was going to happen, it suddenly does something so totally unexpected it leaves you feeling dazed and confused.
I still don't know what I feel. I feel bad for her daughters, my aunts, especially my best friend, and I feel bad for my grandma because she lost a sister. As for myself, I really don't know how I feel about her passing.
I'd love to tell you how sad I am and all that, but I'm not. I don't have any grudge or anything, I have forgiven her for being so mean to me when I was a kid, and for a moment, we did have good times, but it never came to a point where I would be heavily affected by her death. If my feelings change, I'll let you know, for now, I know I don't feel anything, except maybe a lot little freaked out. Does that make me a bad person?
